* * *
By Jason Allen
Here we got a woman not an ordinary woman she’s a woman with extraordinary looks and a personality to match and she reads all kinds of books and it says here that you won’t be disappointed in the sack, no she’ll leave you stunned and amazed and you’ll profess your love to her even though you’re still in a daze and she can cook and she likes dogs and even though she doesn’t know yet if she wants any of her own she likes kids, and she’s good with ‘em and she’s kind and she has a sense of humor and she knows what’s going on in the world and people say she’s got a sharp mind and just look at those eyes gentlemen those majestic lovely eyes guys she’s more than a pretty face you know don’t you know she’s the only one you’ll ever want you’re one true love, hey can I hear an opening bid can I hear a thousand who will gimme a thousand and we have a thousand from the smart man in the back can I hear two who will gimme two who will go to two thousand there’s two can I hear three yesiree there’s three, now fellas don’t let this one pass you by she’s the one of your dreams even more than I could describe she’s a diamond in the rough and one in a million at the same time ain’t she fine, can I get ten thousand who will say ten thousand, and there we have it we have ten thousand to the gentleman right up front, ten thousand going once going twice and—sold! to the man with the odd smile, and take her hand sir, and I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Hey! Okay we’re gonna keep moving and it’s your turn ladies to bid on our next item up here, bring him up now and try to settle down now ladies so we can get this man hitched as quickly as we can and we’ll start the bidding at a thousand for his muscles and the soap-opera jaw-line alone, and he’s not a felon and he sings in the shower and he’ll bring you flowers when it’s not even your birthday or your anniversary and there we have a thousand we have a thousand how about two, two from the well-proportioned woman in blue and you ladies out there is she gonna be the one who wants him most or will he unpack his bags tonight with another one of you who’s really ready to invest in love and there’s three we have three thousand from the sweet young vixen who ain’t fixin’ to wait until it’s too late to find a man who can break rocks with his bare hands but also writes love letters and poems with your name as the title and let me tell you he’ll wind you up like a yo-yo and unravel you from the inside out and dangle you from the palm of his hand and dance the tango in more ways than one and you’ll be the object of his undivided attention and so let’s see who’s ready for love and prepared to slap down the credit card to prove it, can I hear ten thousand who will gimme ten thousand for a lifetime fairytale that’s for sale right here and now, and there’s ten do we have another bidder, it’s ten, ten again to the woman in red, ten thousand once, twice, three times—sold! and now clasp hands, and by the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife, and now seal the deal with a kiss.
About the author:
Jason Allen has an MFA from Pacific University and is currently pursuing a Ph.D. in creative writing at Binghamton University, where he is an editor for Harpur Palate. His work has been published or is forthcoming in: Passages North, Paterson Literary Review, Contemporary American Voices, The Molotov Cocktail, Oregon Literary Review, Spilt Infinitive, and other venues. He hopes to one day meet Tom Waits and buy him a cup of coffee.